Ouch!

Little Sammers,

Do you remember just a couple weeks ago? We were driving to OT to have a session with Tiffany. We were almost there when someone drove out of nowhere. I promise baby, I tried to stop. But we crashed. And you screamed. I was so frazzled. I remember hearing you scream, and then I heard a ticking noise. I tried to get out of the car but had to push the door open. Then I realized I hadn't put the car in park. When I did, the ticking noise stopped. And you stopped crying once I held you. The firemen were first on the scene and they immediately disconnected the car battery. That was the last time that we would hear our little car hum ever again.

Looking at this car makes me feel so grateful. I know there are worse accidents, but you aren't in those. You were in this one, with me. And even though it wasn't my fault, I still think about it often, how it could have been worse. I'm grateful for your car seat! It held you safe and tight. Who ever plans on this happening? Not me.

You know, I'm so glad you're ok. The silly thing is that Daddy and I are both really sad to say goodbye to this car. This car has so many family memories. We've had this one car since we got married -- so that means when we got pregnant, we went out to eat in celebration -- this car taking us there. When we got your unofficial prenatal diagnosis, I cried sitting in this car. When the geneticist advised us not to have anymore children, I cried again, in this car. We have had numerous doctor appointments and emergency drives to the hospital. You have thrown up in this baby, wailed your heart out, and giggled uncontrollably in this car. We also drove Callie home from the airport in this car...becoming a family of four. I ran errands with the two of you behind me, in this back seat, for 2.5 years.

I want you to know that it's ok to have a little attachment to things. There are memories and emotions connected with those. But remember, but they are just things. Remember that Mommy, Daddy, Callie and a whole world of people adore you. They are who you should invest your heart in.

I'm so grateful you're mine and that you're here.
I love you,
Mommy

Car Accident

Oh Little Sammy,

Monday was a horrible day. While driving to your occupational therapy appointment, someone pulled out of a side street right in front of me. I couldn't stop in time. I tried. Believe me, I tried pushing my foot down on the brakes as hard as I could, but he drove out right in front of me. I couldn't stop. I slammed into his car and you let out a terrifying scream. I have never been in a car accident before, so this was a scary experience for me. But knowing you were in the car with me set me in a deeper panic just before we hit. After our cars crashed together, I found my phone, ready to call 911...but then saw that others were already on the phone. Then I got out of the car as fast as I could to get to you. You were crying. I tried to assess the situation...were you ok? Was it ok for me to pick you up without causing more damage? I could see that you were moving around just fine, so I quickly got you out of your carseat, and you immediately stopped crying.

This car accident was emotional for me on many levels. It's been a couple days since the accident and I have gone through a lot of different emotions. I've felt a lot of frustration. The car is completely totaled and we'll need a new one. I'm in a lot of pain, and that's just plain inconvienent. But what shakes me up every time is knowing that you were in the car. Sitting behind me, you were involved in a car accident, and I was driving. I know it wasn't my fault. I know there is nothing I could have done to avoid it. But it still makes me cry thinking about how I could have lost you like that. I'm so grateful that, even though our car is gone, that it protected us. I'm so grateful that the accident happened where it did -- where the speed limit was only 35 miles per hour. And I'm so so grateful for your car seat, that it held you secure.

I love you so much.
Mommy