Movin' On Up

Sammy,

I want you to know that I'm always here for you.  Moms are kind of important people (thank you very much).  We are a source of great knowledge, wisdom, and infinite love.  Use me.  Ok?  Good.

So, remember when I was feeling so sad?  I talked to my mom...Grandma.  And you know what?  All she did was listen, and then after all the listening, she said one little sentence that somehow made me see everything differently ~ or begin to.  And, I feel like I'm moving back up to where I was feeling before.  Like I said, moms are kind of great. 

Then, the next day, after writing that letter to you, something pretty awesome happened.  We saw Tiffany.  You know, she's your OT.  I'm glad you like her because she adores you.  At least she really seems to.  You were up for your 6 month evaluation, and do you know what?  You rocked it.  We could only do part of the evaluation because Tiff and I were talking so much and you were enjoying the swing so much, so she just kept you on as she worked on your balance.  ANYway.  Did you know that only 1 year ago, one of your goals was to put a small-ish object into a bowl/bucket, hand over hand, with minimal assistance?  A year ago, you didn't want your hands touched.  You didn't want to be directed.  You were a tad challenging, my dear.  But on Tuesday, you took 6 small blocks and put them in the bucket, by yourself! 

By yourself Sammy!!!

I cried happy tears.  I felt like a dork, but I couldn't hold it back.  And then Tiffany teared up too.

You have such a light about you Sammy, and I just know that as you continue to progress and gain better control of your body, you will be able to express what is in your heart.  You have left a mark on this world Samantha Lee.  And you have a bright future ahead. 

I love you so much.  I'm totally smitten.

Mommy

A Mess

Samantha,

I love you.  There is no question about that.  I adore you.  I can't imagine my life without you.  And I know you're molding me into a better person everyday.  I know it.  But evenstill, sometimes my heart aches.  You've been doing so well lately.  You haven't had a seizure since last March (knock on wood) and hopefully that means that we've finally turned a corner with those blasted seizures.  Something seems to be clicking for you recently...a lightbulb has gone off.  You are giving more eye contact, seem to have a desire to DO things, and overall, I just couldn't be happier. 

Except. 

I'm not.

I feel horrible about that.  I know the blessing you are to me.  And, yet, I have struggled this past week more than I have in years.  Seriously.  Years.  I haven't felt this way since you were an infant.  You, in your Samantha fashion, have been waking up way way too early.  The other morning, as I tried to get you back to sleep on the couch, I wished you were "normal."  Oh, it makes me sick to even say that...but it's true.  I wished you didn't have to move your fingers constantly.  I wished you'd stop rubbing your face against my shoulder.  I wish you were able to hold. still.  I wished you would sleep.  I wished you could say words.  Words.  Just thinking about you being able to TALK makes me cry.  I look at this picture, into your eyes, and I know you have something to say.  So...Say It.  I wished you didn't have tight muscles and you didn't have to wear stinkin' braces on your feet that rub against your skin and give you sores.  But do you tell me about it?  No.  I just discover it.  I wished you didn't have the necessity to chew on your fingers, incessantly, leaving you with chapped skin.  I wished.  I wished.  And I wished. 

And then, I felt really bad that I had wished all those things instead of wishing for a patient heart. 

But, that's what I'm praying for now.  I'm not exactly sure why things are hitting me like this right now.  It's been a long time.  I understand that this is probably normal.  But I don't want to be "normal," just like deep down, I'm not sure I want you to be "normal" either. 

Until I figure this mess out, know that I love you so so much.  And all this stuff I wished for that morning, YOU I would keep the same ~ and if that means keeping all the rest, ok.

I'll work on my attitude.

I love you,
Mommy

Sorry Sammy

But when I came across this picture just now...it was too funny not to post.  Sorry, I think this is hilarious.  Maybe it's not even that funny...but to me it is.  I sure love you!

Still Around

Well, it's been a long time.  We're ok.  Busy.  And we've been through a lot lately.  I wrote about it on our family blog and you can read about it too if your interested ~ an adoption fell through and it was kind of hard on us.  But we are doing well.  Sammy is fantastic.  And life is happy and good.  

In the meantime, however, I've been debating this blog.  Do I keep it up?  Do I just keep everything on our family blog?  I'm torn.

Hope things are merry and bright for you all.  I have a TON of blog catching up to do.  Let the catch-up begin...tomorrow when I have "time."  hmmm