I've been feeling very tender about Samantha lately. I'm not sure why, necessarily. Maybe because she's growing so quickly all of a sudden. Or because we just ordered a stroller for her -- that costs a few thousand dollars (more on that later). Or maybe because lately, I've just been in awe at her beautiful smile. She smiles so big. And it makes me melt.
Tonight, we watched a movie. Sammy came over, climbed up on my lap, curled up, and fell asleep. I didn't want to let her go. And so, I held her for a long time before I put her to bed. It was just me with my right arm around Callie, and Sammy sitting on my lap. I felt as if I were surrounded by angels...not just the 2 sitting with me.
Though I feel like I truly am "ok" with her life -- her disabilities and the struggles that she and we face because of them -- I have recently been thinking a lot of "what if." I really wonder who she would be if she had been born without a faulty mortal body. Quite frankly, I think she'd be a pill! But she'd still be tender and loving and ... probably the same way she is now in many respects. I've struggled a lot with some of these feelings I've had, and I can easily ignore them because I am working on other projects that distract me. And then, there are nights like tonight, when the house is quiet, it's just us, and her spirit and mine connect...peacefully. And I'm reminded of what a blessing she is in my life. And I forget about the what ifs. Because she's mine and my life is more full because she's in it.
I was reminded of this song. I've shared it before. And I guess I wanted to torture myself and cry like a baby, so I listened to it again. I love it.