I've been thinking about life lately. I suppose that's a good thing. I mean, we're all living...it's a good thing to contemplate from time to time. But as I was thinking, I realized that I'm not sure how much living I'm actually doing. Lately, I have felt that I'm doing a lot of surviving. You know that feeling? Survival is good. It's essential if we want to live. But see, they are two different things. Within our brain, we have certain parts that keep us "alive." They allow for our survival. They keep our hearts beating, lungs working, etc. That allows us to survive. What is it that allows us to live? Sure, there are higher functions that our brain performs that allow for "living," but first, what is it to live?
To me, to live is to experience. To love. To feel. To learn. We all do this on different levels. We all have different brains that will process information differently. I've often thought about Samantha and her life. I've never once thought that she was merely surviving, because it seems like every moment of her life she is encumbered with hugs, kisses, tickles, and pure love. Samantha lives life pretty well. The girl is a little love bug that people cannot get enough of. And could you blame them? She's a babe. She's incredible. And she's just so dang cute.
As we began a new therapy for Samantha, we were told that her neurological age was about 8.8 months. Crazy. I was surprised, but not all that surprised. Partly because I know she is delayed -- the average of all her tests would have placed her somewhere just a tad higher --, but also because she was pretty sick that day so I figured she wasn't going to test real well. I've thought a lot about it though...8.8 months. And her chronological age is like...50 months or something like that. Would I say she's been missing out on life? No. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to do whatever I can to help her experience as much LIFE as she can while she's living on this earth. I want to help her develop all her senses, to feel fresh air, to express her needs and wants, to feel textures and gain strong opinions on what she likes and doesn't like (um...in a couple years I may take this back). To experience. To feel. To love. To learn. I will do whatever I can to make sure that she always lives life.
And one day, if her body is tired and worn, and she's just surviving, and I can tell it's time...well, I'll beg for her to stay and live some more before I'll accept that it's time for her to live -- to experience, to feel, to love, and to learn -- somewhere else. BUT, until that day, I'm playing the Mommy role as hard as I can.