I wrote this last week and found it in my files -- but for some reason didn't publish it. I'm not sure why. So, though I'm not feeling this way anymore, I thought it was important for you to know some of these feelings I've had. I love you to bits.
You have taught me a great lesson, though I suppose today I needed to be reminded; I needed to relearn this lesson today. Before you were born, I wasn't sure what our family situation would be. I was told you may die. I didn't believe this, but I prepared for it. After you were born, I was told to expect severe mental retardation. I prepared for that. There have been "little" things along the way that I've had to prepare for simply because I don't know what to expect -- and I was scared.
I'm not really scared of the same things anymore. I'm not worried (as much as I was) about you and what will happen. I know it'll be terribly difficult to handle some situations that may arise, but I believe I can handle it. We, as a family, will be able to handle it. I don't worry for you. I don't worry for your life. I have had many moments that have confirmed to me that Heavenly Father is very aware of you, and I feel very comfortable knowing that you will be taken care of -- that you are fulfilling a special mission -- and no matter how hard certain things may be for me to deal with, I don't worry about you.
But lately, I've been a little scared about the future, because of you. I'm sorry. I hate to say that because really you have been one of the best things to have ever happened to me. You have shaken my globe and all the little snowflakes that are now coming down are landing pretty perfectly -- because of you. Even still, even with this knowledge that I have, I find it difficult to push aside my real fears of having another biological child again, or as we adopt -- if they will understand that I love them immensely, even though at times you require more of my attention. I worry about our future and our children, as a family. I fear for the day when one of your siblings says to me, in all sincerity, "You don't love me as much as you love Sammy." I do the best I can to make things equitable, to teach Callie, to love her, to help her be involved with your care as much as she can, to build a real relationship between the two of you...but I constantly pray for Callie and your other siblings (future) so they know of my deep deep love for them. After you were born, I thought I'd never be able to love another child as much as I love you. I truly thought that would be impossible. But I think you'll be happy to know that it is possible -- that my heart somehow expanded the day Callie entered our home...and I'm confident that will happen again one day when the time is right. So far, just having the two of you, I have found so much joy, true joy, in motherhood. You both bring me joy in different ways, and I fallen more deeply in love with both of you by the hour.
Today in church, Bishop Wallace mentioned "Faith not Fear." That really spoke to me as this is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. If I can more diligently rely on my faith, then I'll be ok.
I love you to pieces, and I know we'll always be just fine.